Sweet Love

"Momma, I am going to give you a kiss because I love you".

It doesn't get any sweeter than this. Love my girl!

It's Fall! Time for Pumpkins :-)

Carving, roasting seeds, and lighting them up! It was a lovely evening spending time as a family and enjoying the simple things. And now we have 5(!) pumpkins for our little family. Lucia set the order :-) Papai, Bella, Baby Brother, Mamae and finally Lucia.

We Made Apple Pie!

So this year, our apple trees were in full fruit bloom! So Rafa and Lucia picked the apples and then Lucia and I prepped and prepared yummy apple pie.  It was a lot of fun (imagine that!) and considering it was the first pie I ever baked, it turned out pretty darn good.  Next time, smaller apple slices, more crumbly top, and learning how to make the pie less liquidy inside.  Otherwise huge success for this non-kitchen cat gal.

Depression Is Not A Weakness

“When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert

I have been pregnant since April and of course my first symptoms were nausea and complete exhaustion. Well what I thought was exhaustion continued on week after week after week.  It started feeling like I just didn't want to get out of bed and I couldn't wait to go to my bed and sleep at night.  And not just sleep, but I wanted to be by myself.  I wanted silence.  I wanted to be away from everyone.  And that led to feelings of loneliness, naturally, because I was away from others.  And then I tried to be around others, scheduling events and meet ups, and then when I was done with those events, I would feel sad or lonely or would compare myself to others.  I would cry.  Then I wanted to be alone again.  I wanted to run and hide and be away from everyone and anything.  And then I started to feel like I couldn't even get up to go to work. Or that I couldn't be around my friends, my family, even my own daughter.  I manifested in my brain and in my thoughts everything wrong or inadequate about me.  Everything and everyone upset me, made me sad or made me angry and tested my patience.  And then I just wanted to cry and go back to bed.
I felt so lost and told myself I needed to be stronger, I needed to enjoy my life, get up and get going, stop being so weak.  I had to face each day with a big ole smile on my face when at a moments notice I could just burst into tears.

Stop being so weak, was my mantra....as if it were that easy.

The reality is, it isn't that easy.  Sometimes life brings us hard times, sometimes life is hormonal (like being pregnant), sometimes it's just a part of who we are.  And it's ok.  My doctor has assured me of my feelings, even discouraged me in the irrational thoughts that I have had, that if I am sad, it must mean my son will be sad too.  My biggest fear and heartbreak would be to know that I am influencing him negatively before he is even born. But, I now have a plan and I am thankful that I live in a place where the stigma is less and less on depression. I certainly did not anticipate the challenges that has come with this pregnancy, but I am glad I have support, the awareness, and that instead of feeling weak, I feel strong enough to share my feelings and grow.

My mantra now is depression is not a weakness and that sometimes, we all need a little help.

The Things She Says

....and does.

There is no secret that I am huge facebook fan, but what I am realizing is that I document more about Lucia there than here.  And here is where I want to keep it all together :)  Here is just a few of the facebook statuses in the past few months and other adorable little moments with our sweet Lu. She is certianly all personality!

Lucia whistles now, wooo hooo, to call Bella ;)

"I load it", means I will hold it.

Every time she says together, she says “togethlalalalala” like a song!

Having a popcorn/movie night.  Popcorn is in between us.  She looks over at me and gives me a look of “you are eating toto much” and then slyly moves the popcorn bowl to the other side of her.

Told me to be quiet the other day because she couldn't hear the ipad.

Well, we've reached the tattling phase. We knew it would come. We just didn't know it would be Lucia telling on Rafa to me (marching in with determined feet) because "he's not listening to me". 

Lucia was so sweet to help me fold my laundry. Not sure how sweet it was when she said "wow these undies are so big"

Somehow Lucia speaks with a twang. It's not a Brasilian accent and it’s not Oregonian either. It's like she's lived two years in Oklahoma . (BTW, we learned that she has picked up the slang from her bbf Josh from school!)

I bought Lu a new comforter and pillow case set for her big girl bed. When she saw it tonight she touched it all over and said with inflation "oh thank you mom, thank you, thank you mom" over and over. It's so sweet to see her so little but showing so much genuine appreciation.

Lucia just crossed her right leg over her left leg with her foot on her knee and says "momma I just made a number 4". She never ceases to amaze me at her awareness to shapes within other objects. Incredible!

We taught Lucia how to squat and pee in the river this weekend. She decided to use her skills in the front yard

Tulsa August

Ok, so its been nearly a month, but what the heck, let's post pictures from my quick little venture to Tulsa.  I went solo for this trip and really enjoyed the time to relax and go at my own speed. I went to celebrate my sisters 30th and ended up with a family baby shower (thank you!)  It was a great weekend!  See you again in the Spring with baby brother :)

Baby Brother 20 Weeks 4 Days

Ok our 20 week anatomy scan was three weeks ago, but it's never too late to post!  He is absolutely perfect. The feeling of seeing him move and listening to his heart beat is something Ill never bore of.

 At now 23 weeks I'm excited for this pregnancy to be over. I'm excited to start my new family together. I'm excited to meet the little guy and get to know him. We are almost completely prepared; supplies stocked , nursery almost finished, hospital registered. In Nov we decided to book a hospital tour and take Lucia. We already know the hospital but thought it would give her a visual when we talk about mommy having baby brother. 

Lucia is already the best big sister, She kisses my belly, she tells us plans to share with baby brother when he arrives. She even told me at Target that baby brother will sit right next to her in the cart. I know the actual reality of having a sibling might be different, but she is as engaged and loving as we can expect her to be. 

We are all so blessed to have both of these precious babies in our lives.