Depression Is Not A Weakness

“When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert

I have been pregnant since April and of course my first symptoms were nausea and complete exhaustion. Well what I thought was exhaustion continued on week after week after week.  It started feeling like I just didn't want to get out of bed and I couldn't wait to go to my bed and sleep at night.  And not just sleep, but I wanted to be by myself.  I wanted silence.  I wanted to be away from everyone.  And that led to feelings of loneliness, naturally, because I was away from others.  And then I tried to be around others, scheduling events and meet ups, and then when I was done with those events, I would feel sad or lonely or would compare myself to others.  I would cry.  Then I wanted to be alone again.  I wanted to run and hide and be away from everyone and anything.  And then I started to feel like I couldn't even get up to go to work. Or that I couldn't be around my friends, my family, even my own daughter.  I manifested in my brain and in my thoughts everything wrong or inadequate about me.  Everything and everyone upset me, made me sad or made me angry and tested my patience.  And then I just wanted to cry and go back to bed.
I felt so lost and told myself I needed to be stronger, I needed to enjoy my life, get up and get going, stop being so weak.  I had to face each day with a big ole smile on my face when at a moments notice I could just burst into tears.

Stop being so weak, was my mantra....as if it were that easy.

The reality is, it isn't that easy.  Sometimes life brings us hard times, sometimes life is hormonal (like being pregnant), sometimes it's just a part of who we are.  And it's ok.  My doctor has assured me of my feelings, even discouraged me in the irrational thoughts that I have had, that if I am sad, it must mean my son will be sad too.  My biggest fear and heartbreak would be to know that I am influencing him negatively before he is even born. But, I now have a plan and I am thankful that I live in a place where the stigma is less and less on depression. I certainly did not anticipate the challenges that has come with this pregnancy, but I am glad I have support, the awareness, and that instead of feeling weak, I feel strong enough to share my feelings and grow.

My mantra now is depression is not a weakness and that sometimes, we all need a little help.