Doubt.

Do you have moments in your life, where you doubt everything?  People, yourself, those closest to you?  You doubt your decisions, your confidence, even the simplest things day to day?  

Maybe I am alone on this island of doubt, but this is where I have been the last couple weeks. And if I am not alone and you are reading this, I am here for you.  

One thing I have always struggled with is how to belong and how to be confident in who I am.  Sometimes I am doing great, and other times the struggles of these challenges hits me over the head and knocks me out...like one too many glasses of Pinot Noir. 

And when I am here, I question everything.  I doubt the kindness of a friend, I doubt whether someone likes me or not, I doubt my skills as a mother, as a professional, I end up doubting everyone and everything I come in relationship to.  Everything.

And when I question, I get sad, I feel lonely, I feel lost and I certainly don't feel like I belong.  

I hit my low point the other day, I just sat on the floor in the kitchen and cried.  And my sweet girl just looked up at my tear stained face with concern and worry.  She crawled up on my lap and put her chubby warm arm around me and comforted me for five minutes while I let it all out.

And I belonged.

And while I sat there, I realized that I want to raise my daughter to be herself, to have confidence, but I also want her to know that's its also ok to cry, to have doubts, and to sometimes not have it all together.  That's life.  

I have come to realize that I will always have these struggles, but I will continue to work on them and not be complacent.  For I believe that I am here on this earth to become the best person I can be and to raise my daughter well. If I do these things with the best of all good intentions, I have lived a great life.

Now, can someone have a little chat with the weather Gods?  This rainy muddy cold mess is interfering with my "be the best I can be" goals.  Sheesh. ;-)

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